QUT has launched a new series of “Graduate Success” advertisements. Look, I don’t know how much QUT pays alumni for being in these, but I just graduated and want to chuck my hat in the ring. Read my pitch below:
I write to you as a recent graduate of your fine institution with a keen interest in participating in your “Graduate Success” advertisements (if this is a paid position, if not please disregard this letter). I would be a ril good candidate for your “Graduate Success” campaign. Allow me to demonstrate.
1. I am very photogenic.
See evidence below.
2. I bring diversity to the ad campaign.
No, I’m not talking about cultural or ethnic diversity. My skin is as white as my privilege. I’m talking about academic diversity. I am uniquely qualified to represent the university over a number of faculties and fields of study. I first enrolled in a creative industries degree with a film and television major, this quickly changed to an entertainment industries major with a film and tv minor. I then added a business degree (marketing major), before taking away CI entirely to only graduate with a marketing degree.
Furthermore, have your ads ever featured someone with such diverse grades? I collected such a variety of marks, often in the same semester. This spread is exemplified by my final semester results. Diverse until the very end.
3. You told me I was smart.
I am an outstanding academic performer having recently graduated with distinction. Now everyone knows a 5 is a credit and a 6 is a distinction, well everyone except for you, QUT! You have the distinction (heyo!) of awarding distinctions to students graduating with a GPA above 5.5 and I just squeezed in mate. You gave me the same piece of paper as a person with a 7.0 GPA ahhaha and you can’t take it away!
4. I have put in the time.
I spent 6.5 years “studying” at QUT. By comparison I only wasted 2 years at UQ. I just loved being a QUT undergraduate so much, I didn’t want it to end. That’s 6.5 years of glorious memories I can share with the world like not waking up for 8am lectures, not watching the lecture recordings online and not studying until the day before my exams. Do you know how long my ceremonial burning of 6.5 years of past study materials and assignments took!? Me neither but man, it dragged onnnnn.
5. You owe me this.
If you find none of the aforementioned positive reasons compelling, please consider this: you owe me! I wish to be compensated for the brutal own I received as “feedback” for my final assignment. A tutor, at your very institution, laughed at my hard work. You are fortunate not to have a lawsuit on your hands! A guy at Slater & Gordon reckons I’ve got a good chance of securing damages for pain and suffering.
6. I’ve already written the script for you!
If you do not reply by Friday 28 July I will assume that my letter has just slipped through the cracks somehow and resend it to you.