Scab Life: how to have the scabbiest menstrual cycle

Surfing the crimson wave doesn’t come cheap. Your literal coin purse coughs up as much and your figurative one. Wait, let me try that again… Your bank account bleeds more than your vagina? Your bank balance sheds faster than your uterine lining? The only flow heavier than your period is the money hemorrhaging from your bank account? I feel like these are getting worse. Sorry.

To help stem this flow of FUNDS I’ve found some brands to scab samples from:

Depend – I first discovered these samples a few years ago, in my mail box. My sister generously ordered two nappies in my name for me to try. Cool prank, sis! Unfortunately as an incontinence brand, Depend don’t sell tampons, liners or pads. They only offer two free samples: real-fit regular underwear for women and real-fit underwear for men. So if adult diapers are your kink, you’re a gamer or you’re just prone to major leakage follow this link.

Poise – Okay, so Poise products are also specifically for bladder leakage but beggars can’t be choosers. Just be thankful these aren’t nappies. Poise lets you choose two samples from their product range spanning microliners actives to overnight pads that HOLY SHIT claim to hold up to two whole cups of piss. If you’ve got that endo flow, hit up their website for the goods.

U by Kotex – As a legit purveyor of period products U let you choose between pad, liner and tampon samples. Samples are limited to 4 per household every 12 months so get in before your housemates do. Lucky for me my housemate* doesn’t have a uterus anymore. Bless you, U.

*fine, I live with my mum

Carefree – Carefree doesn’t just want you to be care free about your periods but your personal details too. Fill out this form to get a sample of their ultra thin regular pads or procomfort regular tampons. Their tampons boast a silk-ease cover that makes them “easier to insert and remove even on light days, meaning you won’t have to miss spending time with your mates”. Yes, because it’s when my period is at it’s lightest that I hate to leave the house. “Sorry mates, my period is too light to hang out today”, said women all over the world.

Libra – Libra is not joking, bitch! They offer a free starter kit through their Libra Girl website. Bulk freebies include: “a really cute pencil case, 3 tapered tampons, 2 applicator tampons, 2 pads, 3 ultra thin liners and a book about puberty.” Creating an account gives you access to the starter kit but more importantly the Libra Girl forum. It’s a treasure trove of nascent puberty panic. I’ll admit my participation is very “how do you do, fellow kids?” but how else can I spread the gospel of free bleeding to the youth of today? My current alter ego Martha is 11, loves 13 Reasons Why and is scared of tampons. Disciples of the free bleeding movement can spread the word here.

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I’m a snake, get it?

 

Sofy Be Fresh – Shout out to my new Libra Girl pal [redacted] for finding this freebie. I will not betray the confidence of a fellow Libra Girl nor a fellow 11 year old. Enter your deets in exchange for a sample pack of regular wings.

libra girl forum

Arrival times range from 4 days (probably expecting too much from Australia Post) to 8 weeks. Looks like I’ll be free bleeding for a while. Check back for my haul video.

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